Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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