I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
