evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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