From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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