why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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