He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
