I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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