Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
