the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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