sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
