i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
