i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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