I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
