I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
