I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
