tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
