my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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