he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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