Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
