Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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