I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
