she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
