yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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