I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
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