When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
