You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
