how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
