just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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