Apparently you make a good broom.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
