she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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