smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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