I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
