I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
