She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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