So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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