I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
