i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
