i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
