She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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