I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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