So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
