Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
