I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
