its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
