allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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