So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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