I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
