A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
