Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
