it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
