I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
