remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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