I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
