shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
